Here's my list. What really gets your goat?
#1 - Books starring Jane Austen, remakes of Jane Austen, retellings of Jane Austen
Keira Knightley has overbitten her way through Elizabeth Bennet. Miniseries have been written in which someone else gets Mr Darcy. For Mansfield Park's sake, they have BROKEN up the MOST ROMANTIC COUPLE in ENGLISH LITERATURE! I am saddened to report that even "decent" authors are getting on the bandwagon. Now that P.D. James and Colleen McCullough have had their turn, they're putting out six new retellings of the novels by the likes of Joanna Trollope and Val McDermid.
Can't you see the woman's exhausted?
#2 - Twilight readalikes
Second ingredient: boy who seems to hate the girl, but really burns for her despite her possessing no apparent personality at all.
Third ingredient: a girl who's new to town, who doesn't have any real friends except the one totally hot guy who's keeping a secret...
Sounds familiar? Oh, it's only about 300 recent books...(The Gathering Dark is one.)
Please don't make me buy any more. I'm begging you.
#3 - Titles that are a play on the character's name
You know what I mean, anyway - books where the main character is actually called Grace, or Faith, or Hope, or Victory, or whatever. Vomitorious.
#4 - Celebrity children's books
Some celebrities can write, apparently. I'm told the Hank Zipzer books by the Fonz aren't too bad, and nor are Jamie-Lee Curtis's. On the other hand - there are Madonna and Jordan, aka Katie Price. At least Jordan doesn't actually write hers. Hilary Duff did write Elixir, starring a young woman struggling with fame, and I mean this nicely, Hilary, but please go back to reading other people's lines. Even Whoopi Goldberg, Steve Martin and Weird Al Yankovic are guilty of some crimes against literature. Funny people, but not good writers. Fifty Cent has written a book. And has anyone read Modelland by Tyra Banks?
Here's the blurb: "Awkward fifteen-year-old Tookie De La Creme is invited to join the most exclusive modeling school in the world, where she must survive the beastly Catwalk Corridor and the terrifying Thigh-High Boot Camp in order to uncover Modelland's sinister secrets."
I'm putting on my fierce face.
Look out - coming up next, Monica Seles' new series about - yep, a tennis academy. Foul.
#5 - Titles that riff on other titles (that riff on OTHER titles)
Give it a bone, will you? This turkey is well and truly cooked.