You're too annoying, I can't read you

After reading Scriven's amazing blog about what she loves to hate, I couldn't help but think about all of the things that I can't stand and genuinely do not understand why people like them, here a just a few examples:

Scaremongering non-fiction 

Sugar is killing your baby! Bread is going to make your heart explode! Anything not organic makes your lower intestine depressed! Your children are going to be homeless unless you teach them to grow their own vegetables!

This drives me craaaazy! I have no problem with self help books but don't try and get me to buy this by using your bullshit scary titles. Shut up and hand me the loaf.

Time travel romance anything

Never interesting ever.

Glee

I intended to post this a little while ago but then Corey Monteith from Glee died and I thought it might be bad taste to talk about how much I hate his show. So just to clarify: I hate Glee not Corey or anyone else in it.

The thing about Glee is that the songs are awesome but the characters aren't actually people. They're just stereotypes; the jock, the gay guy, the sassy black girl. And they talk about their feelings way too much. Bored.

The Red Hot Chilli Peppers

I will never understand the appeal of this band. His voice is so irritating.

Jodi Picoult - all titles

I have only read 19 Minutes and My Sister's Keeper but that was enough to put me off of her books for good. The main problem I have with her books was that I do not give a crap what happens to the characters. I find it quite hard to enjoy books that are written from multiple perspectives anyway and I don't think she does it that well.

Children's books with gross/bad covers/titles

If you cant draw then you hire an illustrator or you don't publish. End of story.

Two and a half men. 

Can someone explain to me the appeal of this show? It's so lost on me. Your'e too good for this mess Duckie!

Love to hate

I can be pretty judgemental. In fact, what I think are well-phrased arguments delivered in a persuasive manner can sound, to some people, like the pronouncements of God, or Simon Cowell. It's not until I notice them cowering in a corner with their eyes darting all over the place that I realise I've frightened them off - yet again. Whoops.

I still get incredibly hurt when friends say "But you don't like anything". It makes me sound like Bitchelinda de Curdlemilk-Snottington. There are many things I love. Beyond reason. I just - know when I don't.

So this week I'm unmuzzling my inner critic. Celebrating my darkest disdainianism. Pooh-poohing till it's positively unsanitary.

Step in, if you dare, to Scriven's Gallery of Horrors. Feel free to request any of the titles on this list, by the way - it's only my opinion.

James Patterson - Any title
Poor guy. He gets a bad rap from critics, he really does. And it's wholly undeserved. Fact is, he doesn't even write most of his stuff anymore. I think a computer programme does it through algorithms or something of that nature. Or possibly they've finally trained gibbons to type. That would explain the short chapters. There are only so many words in their vocabulary.

In three words: Kill Alex Cross.

Dan Brown - Any title
Yeah, well, so, I'm picking on the easy targets. Anyway, there's nothing I could possibly write that 1,000,023 other critics haven't already spewed out. I confess, I did enjoy The Da Vinci Code, which was a fine, suspension-of-disbelief thrill ride. Then everyone else started raving and it totally lost its appeal. Come on, guys, even I got the mirror writing before Robert I'm-supposed-to-have-a-doctorate-in-this Langdon. So did my dog. It's not Pride and Prejudice.

Lee Child - Any title
Meh.

Now that's spare storytelling.

Titanic - James Cameron
I remember seeing the trailer for this movie and snorting "Who's going to want to see that crap?" That year I realised why everyone bullied me.

But the rest of the world is wrong. You're all wrong.

The Hobbit: An Unexpected Trilogy
I don't hate The Hobbit. I don't even dislike it. It makes the list, however, because I find it totally overrated. As a children's story, which it is, it's just OK. As a seminal work of inspiration to generations of hippies - wtf? It gets brownie points for being first among fantasies, but that's all. To me it's just a pleasant, slight bunch of episodes about a hairy little humanoid - and the movie is even more episodic. Three films? I nearly fell off my chair.

But I repeat - Martin Freeman can do no wrong. Ever.

Bones - TV series
I found this sort of thing funny when I was 14. Not!

Glee - TV series
What's all the song and dance about? Aaaand that was about as funny as the show. Like, eww?

Elementary - TV series
They put that up against the BBC version? It's like watching West Auckland FC playing Brazil...Wearing flippers.

Gone Girl - Gillian Flynn
Nasty screwed-up people trying to screw each other up even more. Nope.

Miranda - TV series
Haha. Nope. Or Is It Just Me?

The Simpsons - TV series
I used to love The Simpsons. It was the cleverest, funniest thing on TV for a long time. A long time ago. Now it's a positive telezombie. Retire it before the torches come out.

I could not possibly comment on Game of Thrones because I just can't bring myself to watch it. So, does anyone out there agree with me? What do you love to hate?