Love to hate

I can be pretty judgemental. In fact, what I think are well-phrased arguments delivered in a persuasive manner can sound, to some people, like the pronouncements of God, or Simon Cowell. It's not until I notice them cowering in a corner with their eyes darting all over the place that I realise I've frightened them off - yet again. Whoops.

I still get incredibly hurt when friends say "But you don't like anything". It makes me sound like Bitchelinda de Curdlemilk-Snottington. There are many things I love. Beyond reason. I just - know when I don't.

So this week I'm unmuzzling my inner critic. Celebrating my darkest disdainianism. Pooh-poohing till it's positively unsanitary.

Step in, if you dare, to Scriven's Gallery of Horrors. Feel free to request any of the titles on this list, by the way - it's only my opinion.

James Patterson - Any title
Poor guy. He gets a bad rap from critics, he really does. And it's wholly undeserved. Fact is, he doesn't even write most of his stuff anymore. I think a computer programme does it through algorithms or something of that nature. Or possibly they've finally trained gibbons to type. That would explain the short chapters. There are only so many words in their vocabulary.

In three words: Kill Alex Cross.

Dan Brown - Any title
Yeah, well, so, I'm picking on the easy targets. Anyway, there's nothing I could possibly write that 1,000,023 other critics haven't already spewed out. I confess, I did enjoy The Da Vinci Code, which was a fine, suspension-of-disbelief thrill ride. Then everyone else started raving and it totally lost its appeal. Come on, guys, even I got the mirror writing before Robert I'm-supposed-to-have-a-doctorate-in-this Langdon. So did my dog. It's not Pride and Prejudice.

Lee Child - Any title
Meh.

Now that's spare storytelling.

Titanic - James Cameron
I remember seeing the trailer for this movie and snorting "Who's going to want to see that crap?" That year I realised why everyone bullied me.

But the rest of the world is wrong. You're all wrong.

The Hobbit: An Unexpected Trilogy
I don't hate The Hobbit. I don't even dislike it. It makes the list, however, because I find it totally overrated. As a children's story, which it is, it's just OK. As a seminal work of inspiration to generations of hippies - wtf? It gets brownie points for being first among fantasies, but that's all. To me it's just a pleasant, slight bunch of episodes about a hairy little humanoid - and the movie is even more episodic. Three films? I nearly fell off my chair.

But I repeat - Martin Freeman can do no wrong. Ever.

Bones - TV series
I found this sort of thing funny when I was 14. Not!

Glee - TV series
What's all the song and dance about? Aaaand that was about as funny as the show. Like, eww?

Elementary - TV series
They put that up against the BBC version? It's like watching West Auckland FC playing Brazil...Wearing flippers.

Gone Girl - Gillian Flynn
Nasty screwed-up people trying to screw each other up even more. Nope.

Miranda - TV series
Haha. Nope. Or Is It Just Me?

The Simpsons - TV series
I used to love The Simpsons. It was the cleverest, funniest thing on TV for a long time. A long time ago. Now it's a positive telezombie. Retire it before the torches come out.

I could not possibly comment on Game of Thrones because I just can't bring myself to watch it. So, does anyone out there agree with me? What do you love to hate?

Can the movie be better than the book?

There's nothing greater than the pleasure of reading a good book - unless it's sitting in the movie sneering "That's NOT how it goes in the book".

I'm a serial offender. If there's a film coming out, I'll have to read the book first, just to assert its superiority to everyone in the neighbouring seats. Good thing there aren't any more Tangy Fruits, or I'd have candy concussion by now. Although Giant Jaffas do pack a wallop from above.

Anyway, because I haven't read either Beautiful Creatures or Warm Bodies (or, for that matter, The Great Gatsby), you're going to have to tell me what you thought. How do they compare? How about The Perks of Being a Wallflower?

There are a small percentage of movies that were actually better than the book, in my estimation. I liked Stardust better, for example, because I found it wittier than Neil Gaiman's original, and the ending was happier. I am a sucker for one of those. Yet I like The Iron Giant better than The Iron Man even though the ending is not quite so happy, because it has more action, and they did the character of Hogarth so well. It's a woman's prerogative, etc.

And one of you graphic novel readers, please tell me - why did Alan Moore hate V for Vendetta?

On the other hand, the Best Picture-winning Slumdog Millionaire wasn't even in the same ballpark as Q & A, which was magnificent. Why did they change it? WHY?? And as for the adaptation of my favourite kids' book, The Dark is Rising (aka The Seeker...) Even the trailer was trash.

Did anyone enjoy The Hobbit film better than the book? Is anyone not horrified they've split it into three? Does anyone else secretly wish Smaug would just bloody toast them all?...(Except you, Martin. You're awesome.)

Stream of consciousness over.

*For copies of any of these books, visit your magical local library. No terms and conditions apply.